Polyamory for the Practical

The Polyamorous Misanthrope

Welcome to the The Polyamorous Misanthrope, in which myself, the Goddess of Java, or some guest columnist will rant, rave and otherwise edify on some poly subject.   If you have an idea for a column or a rant on spike, contact me and we'll talk it over.   For past articles, check out the Archive .

Yet again, Mama Java, she's had it up to her eyeballs!

I'm tired of seeing this:

Well, Mr. I'm Searching for a Hot Bi Babe, that's nice you want to get laid and all, but we're about polyamory. What you're talking about is just swinging!

What the hell is it with the poly community sneering at the swingers? I'm sick of it, I tellya! I am serious. Had it up to my eyeballs and wanna rip on someone.

It comes from several places. For one thing, what's wrong with swinging? Seriously. I don't sneer at it, think it is a lesser form of sex or anything like that. If we're coming from a place that says sex is okay, that monogamy is not the only way to be, why say swinging is bad? Not to your taste? Okay, that's fine. There are plenty of things that are to my taste and that aren't. These don't make me better/more moral/more spiritually advanced. It's just what might rock my socks or not.

These are the arguments I tend to see:

• "But, swinging is about anonymous sex!"
  
  The hell it is. Most swingers play with people they know. In fact, one swinger I talk to a lot commented, upon hearing the poly attitude to swinging, "Hey, I only have sex with friends." In truth, even if swinging were about anonymous sex, so what? Why is this wrong? That's really as absurd as people who used to justify pre-martial sex as not quite wrong if you were "really in love". Fah! Get over it! Go read The Ethical Slut, have a cup of cocoa and call me when you've gotten a grip on reality!
  
  
• Polyamory is just so much more emotionally fulfilling
  
  Oh I love this one! If you think poly is automatically more emotionally fulfilling, then you've never watched some of the spectacular breakups one can see in the poly community. Sorry, ain't pretending everything is all butterflys and roses here, m'kay? Sometimes poly works out great, sometimes it bloody well sucks. Same range as relationships in general. I'm not here to reassure you that poly is gonna be The Way to Have Deep and Fulfilling Relationships. It ain't. It's a way to have more than one ethically. What you do with that is up to you.
  
  
• Polyamory is about commitment.
  
  In the words of a friend of mine, "Pull the other one, it's got bells on." I've not seen that the poly community exactly wins any real prizes in the commitment category. Drama? Hell yeah, we've got that down pat. Miscommunication? Got it. We're masters. Keeping in there when the going gets rough? Again, about on par with the monogamous community. Don't get on your damned high horse. Swingers are more honest about sex, 'kay?

I find the attitude many poly people have about swinging just mind-numbingly hypocritical, and I would really like it if we'd rethink the attitude. In all honesty, I have to wonder why we hang on to such attitudes? What the heck are we afraid of? Being called a slut? <shrug> Sticks-n-stones, luv! Having people look down on our relationships? Get over it. No, they're not going to be respected and sneering at people won't help them to be that way. Someday, maybe, we will have multiple relationships treated with dignity, but if public opinion is that damned important to you, why the heck are you poly?

The swingers don't get up in arms about what we say about them.

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