Polyamory for the Practical

Hard Choices

When you're polyamorous in a world that is mostly oriented towards monogamy, one of the commonest problems you run into is an inability for those around you to grok that polyamory is not cheating.   Sometimes you're tempted to particiapte in cheating.

I quite liked reading about this person's experience.   I think it would be helpful to anyone in a similar situation.

I wanted to talk about a recent experience I had if for nothing else, than to get it off my chest.  I met someone who I consider in many ways to be my twin about a year ago at work.  I could tell that we were instantly attracted to one another and "read from the same script" about a lot of things.  I knew right off the bat that she was married, and she knew I was married.  We simply started out going out to lunch together about once a week.  I'm someone who is very open about who I am, so it wasn't too long before I told her about how my wife and I live our lives.  Her reaction was "Well, I can see why that's a good thing, I kind of envy you, but it isn't for me.  " It took a great force of will, but I was able to leave it at that and not pursue anything other than a friendship with her after that.

Then about 2 weeks later, she sent me an email saying "My husband isn't home, do you want to come over? " Again, it took a great force of will, but I told her that though I'd love to, I wanted her to be sure she knew what she was getting into before she made any moves.  As you all know, this isn't about "cheating" .  It was obvious that she was having a lot of trouble with her marriage and it was also obvious that she thought she would be "trading up" with me.  We talked a lot more about it, she assured me that she would make it work with the both of us and then I made a huge mistake; I got involved with her.  I couldn't help myself.  Words can barely describe how connected the two of us were .  It was like we were continueing a relationship we started ages ago.  She and my wife were starting to get close as well and I thought that we had finally found what we have been looking for with such a deep longing.  Then, the usual end result of cheating reared it's ugly head after about 2 months.  She got a bad case of the guilts.

Then, she and her husband did a lot of talking, then soon after, I got the "I need to try to work things out with him for now, but I want you in my life, let's be friends" speech.  For a few months, things were able to go back to the way it was before we got romantically involved. We emailed every day , still met for lunch once a week even though I had since changed jobs (which had nothing to do with her), and even though I still loved her and she loved me, although she tied it down and locked it away, I thought things were going to work out.  I had her filed away as a "maybe someday" .  Problem is, the months in between turned into the slow torture of watching her interest in me diminish gradually and her attitute toward me become more and more casual until now, we both decided to take an overall "break" from each other.  It's been over a month now.  I don't honestly know if we are going to contact each other again and right now, I don't honestly know if I ever should just for my own well being.

If there are any lessons I've tried to take from this is of course:

A) No matter how "bad" someone's marriage claims to be, don't get involved with anyone who is married unless they are open with their spouse and the other person is aware of your presence, and

B) re-read point A. : )

One day I know we will find the person (or people) who will complete our picture.  Like anything else, sincere, compatible people are just very hard to find and who you do find one, extremely difficult to let go of...